1^st version cho đề thi IELTS Writing Task 2 20/04/2023:

For many years, there has been an ongoing discussion on whether external factors such as poverty and social issues or inherent negative qualities mainly trigger criminal behavior. In my opinion, while negative personality traits may contribute to an individual becoming a criminal, social issues are undoubtedly the primary cause of wrongdoing.

Good introduction but logic and diction could be improved.  

You need to use ‘other’ and say “…and other social issues” otherwise you are telling the reader that you don’t understand that poverty is a social issue, and hence, being a bit illogical.

It is understandable why some people contend that genetic aspects play a significant role in criminal behavior. People with specific innate characteristics, such as a lack of empathy or impulsivity, have a higher tendency to engage in criminal activities. Moreover, individuals who have a history of criminal behavior in their family may also be more likely to engage in such behavior themselves. While the aforementioned idea suggests that there may be some genetic predisposition to certain behaviors, it is unlikely that genetics alone can interpret criminal behavior.

Reasonable first body paragraph but logic and diction could be improved.  

Technically, this is ambiguous: ‘such as a lack of empathy or impulsivity…’ because ‘a lack of’ could also apply to ‘impulsivity.’ So, a more advanced writer would notice this ‘logical error’ and avoid it.

The argument “Moreover, individuals who have a history of criminal behavior in their family may also be more likely to engage in such behavior themselves” could apply to a genetic or environmental cause of crime — so it’s not ‘the best’ logic but ‘acceptable.’

Use the plural ‘ideas suggest.’

‘interpret’ is incorrect diction.

However, I think criminal activities are best explained by the presence of social problems, including poverty and unemployment. In situations where individuals struggle financially and see no alternative options available to them for sustenance purposes, they could potentially turn towards behaving against the laws. Not to mention that when people feel marginalized or discriminated against by society, they may lash out in destructive ways. A prime example of this phenomenon is the substantially high crime rate in impoverished areas.

Reasonable second body paragraph but logic and diction could be improved.  

Improve the topic sentence to include ‘discrimination’ since you mention it.

Using ‘I think’ here in the body is not wrong, but technically wordy and for strictly academic writing, would be best avoided.

Grammar error by beginning a sentence with ‘Not to mention…’ as you did.

In conclusion, although inherent negative qualities can somewhat contribute to law-breaking, I believe that external causes are the overriding factors. Thus, addressing social problems like poverty and other social issues is a necessary step toward reducing crime rates.  (255 words)

Reasonable conclusion but wordiness and diction could be improved.  

Change ‘inherent’ to clarify a bit more and move away from its other meanings although it’s not ‘wrong’.

Notes:

Learn topic related vocabulary:  correlational vs. causal

255 words is a nice ‘lower’ total.  Most writers do better if the essay is ‘shorter.’

Score: TR 8 CC 7 LR 8 GRA 8

2nd version cho đề thi IELTS Writing Task 2 20/04/2023:

For many years, there has been an ongoing discussion on whether environmental factors such as poverty and other social issues or inherent negative qualities are primarily causal regarding criminal behavior. In my opinion, while negative genetic personality traits are correlational to an individual becoming a criminal, social issues are undoubtedly the primary cause of wrongdoing.

It is understandable why some people contend that genetic traits are primarily causal in criminal behavior. People with seemingly specific innate characteristics, such as no empathy or excessive impulsivity, have a higher tendency to engage in criminal activities. Moreover, individuals who have a history of criminal behavior in their family may also be more likely to engage in such behavior themselves. While the aforementioned ideas suggest that there may be some genetic predisposition to certain behaviors, it is unlikely that genetics alone can effect criminal behavior.

(The use of ‘effect’ here is correct — it can be used as a verb to mean ‘to cause to occur’ — which is often used in certain fields such as philosophy).

However, I think criminal activities are best explained by the presence of social problems, including poverty, unemployment, and discrimination. In situations where individuals struggle financially and perceive no alternative options available to them for sustenance purposes, they could potentially participate or even ‘embrace’ behaving against the laws. Also, when people feel marginalized or discriminated against by society, they may react destructively. A prime example of this phenomenon is the substantially high crime rate in impoverished areas.

In conclusion, although genetic negative qualities can somewhat contribute to law-breaking, I believe that environmental factors are primarily causal. Thus, addressing social problems like poverty and other social issues is necessary to reduce crime rates.

(252 words)

Score: TR 9 CC 8 LR 9 GRA 9