BÀI CHẤM TỪ CỰU GIÁM KHẢO IELTS CHO ĐỀ THI IELTS WRITING TASK 2 11/01/2023
As machines have become more sophisticated, more and more jobs and tasks involving physical hard work can be done automatically. Do the positive effects of this trend outweigh the negative effects? (I doubt this is the precise wording of a real question based on the use of ‘more’ three times. The first ‘more’ should be ‘increasingly’)
- Use C2 vocabulary
- Write 250 words minimum
The increasing sophistication of machines has led to the automation of numerous jobs and tasks that once required physical labor. This trend has had both positive and negative effects, and it is debatable whether the positive effects outweigh the negative ones.
It’s less advanced writing to state the obvious as in “This trend has both positive and negative effects…” and “it is debatable whether the positive effects outweigh the…” Don’t treat the reader like he is stupid. The reader knows most issues in life have positives and negatives — and the reader knows it’s debatable as to which side is stronger — that’s why the paper is being written (to give your argument for which side you believe is stronger, if any). Although “it is debatable whether the positive effects outweigh the negative ones” begins to answer the question, it is still stating the obvious. Try to avoid this style.
Sentence 2 is also considered ‘over-generalizing’ which means maximum 7 in TR.
One of the positive outcomes of automation is the increase in efficiency and productivity. Automated machines can work tirelessly without needing breaks or rest, leading to an increase in the speed of production and a reduction in labor costs. Additionally, automation can also lead to increased safety as machines can perform dangerous and physically demanding tasks, thereby reducing the risk of injury to human workers.
Nice, succinct topic sentence: “One of the positive outcomes of automation is…”
Using different forms of the word family ‘automation/automated/automatically’ is good but three times already in one short paragraph probably means it will be used too much throughout the paper and consequently reduce the LR score.
However, the trend towards automation also has some negative consequences. One of the most significant of these is the displacement of human workers. As machines become increasingly sophisticated, they are able to perform tasks that were once performed by human workers, thereby rendering these workers redundant. This can lead to increased unemployment, a reduction in the demand for certain skills, and a decline in the standard of living for affected workers.
Using ‘certain’ is often better than ‘some.’
It would be better to combine the first two sentences and say what the negative consequences are (or at least the first one). In other words, use the same style topic sentence as in the previous paragraph.
The word ‘workers’ is used four times in just this paragraph. This is marked as ‘may be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution’ which now means maximum 5 on C&C. It looks like ChapGPT likes to be repetitive.
Another potential negative effect of automation is the increase in inequality. As machines are able to perform tasks more efficiently than human workers, the cost of production is reduced, leading to greater profits for business owners. However, these profits are often not shared with workers, leading to a widening of the income gap between the rich and the poor.
Overuse of ‘leading/lead to’ (twice in this paragraph and once in the previous paragraph).
In conclusion, the trend towards automation has had both positive and negative effects. While it has increased efficiency and productivity, it has also led to the displacement of human workers and increased inequality. It is therefore important for policymakers to consider the potential consequences of automation and take steps to mitigate its negative effects, such as providing retraining and support for affected workers, and implementing policies that promote greater income equality. (307 words)
Again, don’t state the obvious: “…the trend toward automation has had both positive and negative effects.” This tacitly answers the question in that the implication is neither outweighs the other but are rather ‘equal.’ Nonetheless, not a band 8 or 9 style.
‘increased efficiency and productivity’ is redundant.
‘the displacement of human workers’ is redundant.
‘increased inequality’ is redundant.
Although this is not a problem/solution paper, the last sentence is an acceptable way to end a paper of this type. Plus, it saves the writer from a 6 in TR for having a conclusion that is too repetitive.
Overall Essay Comments:
Eight times the word family of ‘automation’ was used in this essay. Five or six would be fine, but not eight. Plus we must consider the problem with ‘leading/lead to’ and other redundant vocabulary. Therefore, the LR score will now be maximum 6 due to adequate but not sufficient range of vocabulary. But how about ‘workers’? Although it’s a bit tricky, ‘workers’ is better marked as ‘lack of referencing’ while ‘automation’ as ‘lack of vocabulary range.’ I imagine some examiners might see it differently.
ChatGPT wrote a 5-paragraph essay which is fine.
There is a tendency to repeat/overuse vocabulary.
Grammar is 9 here but sometimes AI generates a lack of complex structures meaning a lower GRA score.
The examiner will have to decide if the conclusion forces a 7 in TR (may be a tendency to overgeneralize) or a 6 in TR (conclusions may become unclear or repetitive). It’s borderline for me but I would give 7.
Some ChatGPT essays yield higher scores. The main action to produce better results is learning how to tweak/prompt/command the system.
I think ChatGPT is useful for IELTS writing students to recognize solid diction and syntax patterns, organizing ideas, getting ideas, and identifying error types, especially repetition and lack of referencing as marked in C&C and LR.
GOOD LUCK FROM THE Mc IELTS TEAM
TR 7 C&C 5 LR 6 GRA 9 Overall 6.5