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BÀI SỬA TỪ CỰU GIÁM KHẢO IELTS CHO ĐỀ THI IELTS COMPUTER 12/01/2023

IELTS Writing Task 2IELTS Writing Task 2IELTS Writing Task 2
Các bạn có viết rằng 𝐯𝐢𝐞̣̂𝐜 𝐬𝐮̛̉ 𝐝𝐮̣𝐧𝐠 𝐈𝐝𝐢𝐨𝐦𝐬 (𝐥𝐨𝐚̣𝐢 𝐯𝐚̀ 𝐬𝐨̂́ 𝐥𝐮̛𝐨̛̣𝐧𝐠) 𝐜𝐨́ 𝐭𝐡𝐞̂̉ 𝐤𝐡𝐢𝐞̂́𝐧…𝐛𝐚̣𝐧 𝐜𝐨́ 𝐭𝐡𝐞̂̉ 𝐤𝐡𝐨̂𝐧𝐠 đ𝐚̣𝐭 𝟗.𝟎 𝐭𝐨̂́𝐢 đ𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐨 𝐩𝐡𝐚̂̀𝐧 𝐋𝐞𝐱𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐑𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐞 (𝐕𝐨𝐜𝐚𝐛) 𝐯𝐚̀ 𝐂𝐨𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞-𝐂𝐨𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐖𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐓𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝟐 đ𝐚̂́𝐲!
 
✅ Đây đây là 1 bài viết của học viên và được thầy Gary, cựu giám khảo từ Mc IELTS chấm sửa.
✅ Đây là một chủ đề cũng khá khoai và bài viết mặc dù cũng đạt 8.0 Overall, với Grammar đạt 9.0 nhưng Vocab lại chỉ đạt 7.0.
✅ Đáng lưu ý là việc sử dụng Idioms trong bài này đã khiến bạn ấy không đạt điểm cao như kỳ vọng. Cùng tham khảo để hiểu tại sao nhé.
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Question:

Restoration of old buildings in main cities involves enormous government expenditure. It would be more beneficial to spend this money to build new houses and roads. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Answer:

One of the most controversial notions in the modern era relates to the refurbishment of dated buildings which takes a significant amount of government funding in metropolitan areas. Some believe that the money is better off allocated to other purposes, such as constructing more houses and road systems. I partly agree with this statement and will provide plausible explanations in this essay.
 

Paragraph 1

Band 7.5 or 8 intro.

‘notions’ is inaccurate. ‘issues’ is more accurate.  We generally use ‘notion’ as a ‘general understanding or imperfect idea/opinion/belief.’

‘better off’ is an idiom. Just use ‘better.’

Generally idioms/phrasal verbs are fine for 8 in LR (and 8 in C&C if the idiom is a discourse marker), but not 9. Notice that band descriptors for 9 in LR state: uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features.  Three of the primary lexical features: density, complexity, and formality. Therefore, since idioms are informal, they can prohibit a 9.

Another important note about idioms: there is a difference in the type/quality of idiom used in a particular context. For example, if you are describing the water cycle and you use the idiom ‘heavy rain,’ then that’s fine for 8 in LR, and maybe even 9 if there are only a couple of ‘minor’ idioms like that in the text.  But if you said it was ‘raining cats and dogs’ then that is a poor understanding of context and could lead to lower than 8, especially if there are two or more of that idiom type.

Papers that ‘partly agree’ are not necessarily illogical or wrong, but generally take longer to write. I recommend that unless you’re really sure you can think and write quickly enough, it’s better to just choose a side (even though you might not personally believe all of it).

Don’t state the obvious.  Don’t act like the reader is stupid and tell him you will give ‘plausible explanations.’  Do you believe the reader really thinks you intend on giving implausible explanations? Of course not; you are the writer and readers know your intention is to try to make a solid argument (even though you might not).  Hence, say something like: I partly agree with this statement” and end there – that’s nicely succinct.  And for band 9, make your claim without a personal pronoun.
 

Recently, there has been a rising trend of individuals from suburban regions migrating to urban areas in search of work. This movement has caused a substantial growth in the population density in large cities, fueling the fire of housing shortage and traffic congestion. To solve the problem, the government could use more tax money to construct more traffic infrastructure, such as roads or underground tunnels, and build more skyscrapers that could accommodate thousands of people. Obviously, the authorities could acquire the money by avoiding maintaining ancient buildings that no longer fit their usage purposes and are extremely expensive to preserve.
 

Paragraph 2

Band 8.

‘fueling the fire’ is an idiom.  Use ‘expediting.’

Be safe and add ‘and other housing options’ after ‘skyscrapers’ to more clearly address the part of the question that refers to ‘houses,’ even though the tacit implication in ‘skyscrapers’ includes apartments (a type of housing).

‘fit their usage purposes’ is a bit awkward but if we let that go, it’s still a bit informalish.  Use ‘…that are no longer useful or relevant and…’

Nevertheless, old architecture with historical and symbolic significance can be a source of income rather than a great expense. The old buildings give people a glimpse of the city’s history and become a fantastic tourist destination for many. For example, the famous Imperial city of Hue attracts millions of travelers annually and enormously contributes to the local economy. These locations also inspire arts and greatly interest historians, archeologists, and architects for their academic values.
 

Paragraph 3

Band 8.

Nice topic sentence with a smooth transition.

IELTS essay questions apply to all countries, not specifically to your country. You cannot go directly to a particular place/city within a particular country abruptly like you did:  “For example, the famous Imperial city of Hue…” This is a specific example.  You must use a general example to introduce a specific example.  This can be easily fixed by introducing the specific example of ‘Hue’ with the general example ‘Vietnam.’ Say something like: “For example, in Vietnam, the famous Imperial city of Hue…”

To conclude, there are impressive buildings that need to be restored for the reasons mentioned above. Other than that, structures that fail to meet their purposes and are a substantial drain on public funds should be demolished to pave the way for more roads and houses. (282 words)
 

Paragraph 4

Band 7.5 or 8 conclusion.

Don’t use ‘the reasons mentioned above’ but rather ‘the aforementioned reasons.’

‘Other than that’ is an idiom. Use ‘However’ or ‘Nonetheless.’

‘drain’ is idiomatic. Rather than ‘and are a substantial drain on public funds…’ use ‘and exhaust public funds…’

‘pave the way for’ is an idiom.  Use ‘accommodate.’

 

TR 8       C&C 8        LR 7       GRA 9         Overall 8

 

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