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BÀI SỬA TỪ CỰU GIÁM KHẢO IELTS CHO ĐỀ THI IELTS Ở BC 07/01/2023
IELTS Writing model answerIELTS Writing model answer
 
Dưới đây là 1 bài viết của học viên Mc IELTS và được thầy Gary, cựu giám khảo IELTS sửa.
 
Trong xuyên suốt bài viết, các đoạn văn đều được đánh giá 7.5-8.0. Tuy nhiên chỉ vì một thiếu sót ở đoạn Conclusion mà điểm Task Response (TR) chỉ đạt 5.0 mà thôi !
 
Cùng xem để hiểu hơn lý do vì sao bài này TR chỉ đạt 5.0, và làm sao để nâng lên 8.0 chỉ bằng việc viết thêm 1 câu vào nhé !
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Question:

 

Some countries achieve international success by building specialized facilities to train top athletes instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Is this a positive or negative development?

 

Answer:

To achieve victories in international competitions, several countries have recently injected a significant amount of money into building sports infrastructure only for professional athletes instead of offering facilities for public use. Although this seems to be an innovative improvement suggestion for national sports training, it may not be the ideal solution.

 

Paragraph 1

Band 7.5 or 8 intro.

‘improvement suggestion’ is awkward diction.

Using ‘ideal solution’ here is ok because it refers to ‘positive development’ and it is clear that the writer knows he is not composing a problem/solution paper.  Nonetheless, a band 9 in C&C would require a stronger thesis statement that clearly states what the ‘solution’ is.

 

On the one hand, considerably investing in specially designed sports facilities would bring an ideal training environment for elite athletes, leading to improved results in international events. Obviously, when sports players have access to the best-qualified training conditions, they would have more opportunities to outplay their opponents. As a result, the success would help raise the national status in international sports competitions and bring the country’s tourism closer to global awareness. A typical example would be China in the 2008 Olympics when they reached the highest medal ranking thanks to the enormous investment made by their government. Later on, more and more people also have chosen China as their travel destination.

 

Paragraph 2

Band 7.5.

Wordy/idiomatic discourse markers such as ‘On the one/other hand,’ ‘As a result,’ ‘thanks to,’ etc., are generally fine for up to 8 in C&C but not 9.

‘considerably investing in’ is awkward diction – it should be ‘considerable investment in.’

‘A typicical example would be’ is wordy.  Try using ‘For example,’

‘Later on’ is informal diction.  Try using ‘Consequently,’

 

On the other hand, fewer resources are provided to public sports facilities may not be a wise decision because doing so would overlook sports areas for amateurs, which are also crucial. It would discourage citizens from partaking in physical activities by making training places such as swimming pools, volleyball courts, or football fields harder to access, resulting in a degraded community health improvement. Besides, the more everyone is granted free access to those sports locations, the more potential talents would be discovered and developed by professional scouts. Therefore, keeping sports infrastructure open to all people is also the right move for long-term sports development.

 

Paragraph 3

Band 8.

Avoid ‘On the other hand’ if you’re aiming for a 9 in C&C, otherwise just use it.

Generally avoid vague diction such as ‘everyone.’  Try using ‘people.’

‘the right move’ is idiomatic.  Try using ‘appropriate.’

 

In conclusion, I believe that offering applicable training places for high-level sportspeople is an effective way to boost athletic accomplishments worldwide. However, training places for general public use should also not be neglected for the sake of people’s physical conditions in society.

 

Paragraph 4

Band 5 conclusion.

His discussion of both sides is strong but the question of if it’s a positive or negative development is not clear enough (even though in the intro he was close with ‘may not be an ideal solution’ – but not close enough.)  Consequently, maximum 5 in TR for not fully addressing the question

 

(307 words) a bit high but ok

 

TR 5       C&C 8        LR 7       GRA 9         Overall 7

 

NOTE:  If the writer added just one sentence to the end: “Therefore, addressing only the interests of athletes and national reputation would be a negative development.” then TR scores 8.

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